Read these Bible passages & discuss each one’s meaning to your marriage.

You may wish to make some notes:

Serving Each Other (Matthew 7:12; Philippians 2:1-8; I Corinthians 10:24)

Honesty (Ephesians 4:25 / Colossians 3:9)

Christ’s love as the model for marital love (Ephesians 5:21-33)

Positive communications (Ephesians 4:29)

Dealing with unexpected problems (Romans 8:28 / Jeremiah 29:11)

God’s design for marriage (Genesis 2:18-25)

Forgiveness (Ephesians 4:32 / Matthew 18:21-35)

The Bible’s description of love (I Corinthians 13)

Sexual needs (I Corinthians 7;1-5)

Parenting (Ephesians 6:1-4)

Money & priorities (I Timothy 6:10; Philippians 4:11-12; Matthew 6:33-34)

Sources of conflicts (James 4:1; Proverbs 15:1)

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Remember taking field trips in school? Now that was a fun way to learn.

Go to the mall or a restaurant (she says, “That sounds like fun!”) and observe couples.

How do couples treat each other? Are they in love? Can you really tell by looking?

This is not meant to judge people that we don’t really know, but is a way of exploring your own notions of marriage.

Your observations and answers will say a lot about your expectations for marriage (for instance, should couples show affection in public?)

This section will seem very negative to some…and maybe it is.

But commitment is the key (or at least a big key) to a successful marriage.

It can only help to be sure a couple understands each other’s views about commitment in marriage.

Here are some questions to get you started:

1. Under what circumstances could we imagine getting a divorce?

2. How are we going to guard ourselves from sexual unfaithfulness?

3. What happens when my individual needs aren’t the same as yours?

4. Are we getting married for the right reasons?

5. Do we need to fine-tune our approaches to handling problems & handling money?

Read the rest of this entry »

Well, this is a common approach for dealing with problems with in-laws!

However, it’s not one I advise.

Here are some better approaches:

SET SOME GOALS:

You need to be intentional about your relationship with your family.

Describe the kind of relationship you want with your extended family.

LOOKING AT DIFFERENCES

• Extended families bring together diverse people with differing expectations for family.

• Discuss your families’ differences in terms of: generational gaps, geographical factors (city vs. rural), financial levels, and spiritual / religious viewpoints

• As you think about the above, what is the difference between acceptance and agreement?

• How will you work to bridge generation & value gaps?

• What does it mean to you to love someone unconditionally?

• Who do you clash with most in your extended family? Why? What are the strong points of the person you clash with?

• Try re-framing negative qualities: meddlesome becomes concerned, and bossy becomes shows leadership

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Does this sound too much like going to school? No need to go to the library for this  research though. One of the best ways to learn is to look to role models, and even bad examples can teach us.

• Each of you think of someone you know who has a successful marriage…not just long, but what you consider a good marriage. Each of you go separately & talk to the husband or wife and ask them about their marriage (asking will compliment them). Come back together and compare notes. What did you learn about marriage from your research?

• Each of you describe a person or persons whom you consider to be a exceptional father or mother, or husband or wife. Of course, explain your choices…what makes them great in your estimation?

• Describe a really bad marriage that you are aware of. What makes it bad? Where did it go wrong? How will yours be different

Note: Many churches are now using mentoring programs to help engaged couples prepare for marriage. Basically, they pair you up with a couple who has a healthy marriage and you spend time with them learning from them and asking them questions. If you are interested, check with your church to see if they have such a program or can get you contact with one that does.

Husbands & wives need to both ask for what they want and listen to their mate ask for what they want. We all have needs and there is nothing wrong with wanting those needs met. But it must go both ways for a healthy relationship. Marriage is not a 50-50 proposition, rather both give 100%.

The following exercise will give you both practice in assertively asking for what you want and in listening to what your partner wants & needs.

Separately, each of you look over the list below. Rate from 1 to 3 how important each item is to you (“1” is of lesser importance & “3” is of greater importance). Print out two copies to respond separately.

There is a blank at the end for “other” if there is something else you think of that’s important to you.

When both are finished, discuss your 3’s & then others as you wish.

NOTICE! As you share your responses:

• Listen carefully to your partner as they express their needs and why these are so important to them.

• This is not meant as an opportunity to make selfish demands.

• Be realistic in your expectations and be willing to compromise in some areas.

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It’s important to keep your relationship positive & loving.

This exercise further helps you to express to your partner how you are made to feel cared for. This keeps your partner from having to guess (and maybe guessing wrong) about what you appreciate most.

Each of you complete the statement “I feel loved by you when you…” below. Write down 3-5 things your partner can do.

Once you’ve both written down your responses, share your list with your partner. Discuss and explain if necessary, but most importantly do the things your partner has listed . . . and enjoy! Read the rest of this entry »