Husbands & wives need to both ask for what they want and listen to their mate ask for what they want. We all have needs and there is nothing wrong with wanting those needs met. But it must go both ways for a healthy relationship. Marriage is not a 50-50 proposition, rather both give 100%.

The following exercise will give you both practice in assertively asking for what you want and in listening to what your partner wants & needs.

Separately, each of you look over the list below. Rate from 1 to 3 how important each item is to you (“1” is of lesser importance & “3” is of greater importance). Print out two copies to respond separately.

There is a blank at the end for “other” if there is something else you think of that’s important to you.

When both are finished, discuss your 3’s & then others as you wish.

NOTICE! As you share your responses:

• Listen carefully to your partner as they express their needs and why these are so important to them.

• This is not meant as an opportunity to make selfish demands.

• Be realistic in your expectations and be willing to compromise in some areas.

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It’s important to keep your relationship positive & loving.

This exercise further helps you to express to your partner how you are made to feel cared for. This keeps your partner from having to guess (and maybe guessing wrong) about what you appreciate most.

Each of you complete the statement “I feel loved by you when you…” below. Write down 3-5 things your partner can do.

Once you’ve both written down your responses, share your list with your partner. Discuss and explain if necessary, but most importantly do the things your partner has listed . . . and enjoy! Read the rest of this entry »

Put yourself in the other person’s shoes. (Ladies, if he literally wants to wear your clothes, you may want to get him help).

Be the other person and describe what your day is like.

We all know what our day is like and all the problems we have to deal with. But what is my partner’s day like?

Do your best to try to understand their unique challenges. What’s it like being them? Who are the people they deal with? What expectations do they face from others? What’s it like having you as their partner?

Want to go deeper? Think about past family experiences of your partner. Put yourself in those shoes and see how they affect you day to day.

This is another exercise designed to value your significant other  - to show them respect, understanding and appreciation. 

Below are 12 aspects of a relationship.

Each of you look through the list and decide on 3 that you believe are strength areas in your relationship right now, and decide on 3 that you believe are growth areas in your relationship right now.

Mark a “S” beside the 3 strength areas and a “G” beside the 3 growth areas. Whoever goes first, be sure your responses are covered so your partner can’t see what you have marked (or print two copies of this page).

When you both are finished, take a look and see if you marked most of the same areas. Discuss any differences, and what you were thinking when you marked what you did.

She says (left side) and He says (right side)

___     communication skills        ___

___     resolving conflicts         ___

___     expectations of marriage       ___

___     money matters         ___

___     shared recreation activities   ___

___     children & parenting views     ___

___     extended family issues         ___

___     husband / wife roles        ___

___     family backgrounds        ___

___     religious views & practices    ___

___     personality concerns        ___

___     sexual relationship issues     ___

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Respect for each other is very important for a health relationship.

One way of showing respect is by valuing the differences between us.

There are different types of intelligence. I was getting a battery replaced in my car the other day and the girl (yes, girl) that was putting in the battery in my car told me that her dad was very book smart. He could write a book and tell you how to disassemble a car engine and then put it back together again. But he couldn’t actually do it. She could!

Again, there are many kinds of “smarts.” Some are socially intelligent. They have a natural ability to relate well to others. Other people may not be so good in social settings, but can logically identify a problem, come up with solutions and solve it.

Our vocations differ. Over a period of time we acquire knowledge and develop skills that others do not have.

Here’s the exercise:

What is something each of you knows a lot about that the other knows little about.

What are your unique gifts and abilities?

Teach each other something.

Take time to listen and learn from each other.

Your partner will feel valued and respected.

When it comes to communication and expressing love in a relationship, understanding personality differences is key.

The following exercise is one I often hear couples say they really enjoy and find fun.

You can do a 5-minute free personality test online that tells you how to best love and how to communicate to your spouse given their unique personality. We tend to want to love and communicate to our partner in the way we like, rather than the way our partner likes.

This exercise will help you see things from the perspective of the other person.

Go to the link below for the free personality:

http://www.personalitytype.com/quiz.asp

The site does not ask for any of your personal contact information to use the free tool! See screenshot below:

Before Starting Your Couple Exercises Review the Following Principles on
Communication and Conflict Resolution

1. Communication takes time. Commit to take the time now & throughout your marriage to communicate. It is the lifeblood of your relationship.
2. Truly listen to each other, without judgment. Test your understanding by repeating back in your own words what you hear your partner say.
3. Honestly express your thoughts & feelings to your partner. On the other side, be ready to accept what your partner says. 
4. Remember that every relationship has conflicts. To start with men are from Mars and women are from Venus!  When you have a conflict:

Deal with it. Often resolving differences is a process over a period of time.    But unresolved issues do not 
go away. Resentments can build over the years. 

Control your anger. Anger & other defensive tactics shut off communication. You may need to take a walk &
delay discussing something. But do come back to it.

Clearly define the problem. Specify how each of you may contribute to the problem, or difficulty in resolving
the issue.

Brainstorm possible solutions. Decide, and if necessary, negotiate a mutually agreeable solution. Then put
it to the test.

Stay committed. In most cases, people can resolve their differences. When you do, it will give you confidence that problems don’t have to defeat you. Your relationship will be stronger & you will feel more secure in it.

Seek outside help if needed. If you hit a snag, sometimes having a third party to give feedback and direction can be helpful. Contact a minister or other trained helper for guidance.

You may want to print out this page and keep it close to remind of yourself of these guidelines.